Adapting to life as the partner of a soldier can be a challenge, and not just because of the deployments, the house moves or the impact on any personal employment aspirations.
You’re a civilian stepping into a world that may be very unfamiliar – one with different priorities and even a different language to decipher.
If you’re male, you will also be doing so as a minority because, in contrast to the Army – in which women only account for a little over 10 per cent of the service’s current strength – patch life predominantly remains the preserve of female spouses.
And as Alistair Laburnum discovered, such a gender imbalance can intensify the culture shock of becoming a part of the military community.
When the 39-year-old fell for Janay (34) online during the COVID pandemic, he was a homeowner with an established career in physiotherapy.
And even when, six months into their romance, his new love went to Sandhurst, the Army’s impact on his life was negligible, with lockdown dictating a long-distance relationship.
That, however, changed when Janay commissioned as a REME officer, received her first posting and the couple opted to move into military housing.
“Going from having my own house to moving into Army housing in an area I was really unfamiliar with was an adjustment,” said Alistair, recalling his relocation to a small grouping of military properties in Farnborough, Hampshire.
“One of the things I had heard a lot about was how much community there is in Army life, but I’ve not seen that,” he added, while stressing his neighbours are friendly and ready to lend a hand if needed. “[That experience] might be because I’m not on a patch.
“And whenever I’ve been to the odd Army function I’m usually the only male spouse,” he continued, highlighting that, while Janay’s colleagues are pleasant company, it is not always easy to join in ‘work’ conversations. “It’s just that the nature of Army life is exclusive.”
Alistair even found joining an online workshop offering business start-up support for veterans and spouses did little to lift his sense of isolation, with many attendees being ex-service personnel who sprinkled the conversation with military acronyms.
“I didn’t have any shared experience and it was difficult to relate,” he said.
“I’ve also found that there is a much more limited Army spouse community for husbands as opposed to wives, especially in male-dominated cap badges like REME.”
A source of support
One useful source of guidance Alistair says has helped is Army&You. “As someone becoming an Army spouse a little bit later in life, I have really valued your magazine,” he continued. “On several occasions your content has helped me develop insight into what it means to be part of the forces family, and how to start to navigate Army life. But I’ve never seen anything similar to my own experience.”
Now an advanced physiotherapist practitioner and prescriber dealing with patients suffering from chronic pain, Alistair can work remotely, meaning he does not need to find a new job when he and Janay move to a new assignment.
The emotional toll of his role can be draining so he has found a new hobby to enhance his mental wellbeing and keep him occupied when his wife deploys.
“If she’s away I can get to the end of the week and I’ve not really spoken to anybody apart from distressed people,” he explained.
Crafting a new hobby
Alistair discovered woodturning, which has filled the couple’s home with finely crafted items made from reclaimed wood in his workshop. He sells his creations online and at craft fairs, accepts commissions and has created presentation pieces for the Army and Janay’s unit.
“I’d encourage people to find something that they’re passionate about and they enjoy for the time their spouses are away.”
You can find example of Alistair’s work on Instagram @laburnumwoodturning or online at laburnumwoodturning.sumupstore.com