By Robynne Batley-Mallett
I grew up as a military daughter. I always said I’d never marry into the military as I’d seen what it could be like – the absence, stress at home, the constant not knowing.
I was determined to build a different life, but then I met my husband, and now I’m a military wife.
During my childhood, my dad wasn’t always present and then suddenly he was home, but he was only really home physically. At the same time, my mum carried a lot of stress raising two children effectively as a solo parent.
When I met my husband, I didn’t want to sign up for that life again. I knew how it felt as a daughter and I was frightened of being alone.
But we fell in love, and we’ve been together eight years and married for four. We also have a child now. I’ve been lucky in many ways. For example, we haven’t yet had to navigate a full deployment while parenting. But military life has its pressures.
One of those pressures is the unspoken expectation that his job comes first. However, I have a job too as well as my own identity, ambitions and responsibilities.
Sometimes it’s hard to find the compromise when you both care deeply about your careers and communication can become strained, especially when you’re both juggling so much.
Military life can change in an instant too, which is difficult to deal with. Plans get cancelled, holidays get postponed and you book things hoping they’ll happen.
There’s still a mentality in military communities of “just get on with it.” And we are strong, but strength doesn’t mean you don’t need support.
Before I married my husband, I didn’t feel like I could access certain services because I wasn’t a wife. I didn’t know what I was entitled to and, if I was struggling, I felt like I had to go through him to find help, which I felt comfortable enough to do.
I’m now a mental health navigator at Military Minds, who recognise that you’re not on your own. When you speak to someone with experience of being a military daughter or spouse, there’s an understanding. You don’t have to explain, they just get it.
It’s also about recognising that people can end up in dark places. I’ve worked in recovery services too, supporting people with alcohol and drug challenges.
I understand how quickly things can spiral when someone feels alone and I’ve seen how, with the right support and training, people can rebuild their lives.
For more information, email militaryminds@solentmind.org.uk or call 0303 003 4239.