Family support helps soldiers to do their job, but who is supporting the family? Jill Misson finds out…
“Military life has much to offer families, but we need to prepare them to cope with mobility, deployment and separation and equip them with the tools to nurture their relationships and thrive as members of the armed forces community and wider society,” – the Armed Forces Families Strategy 2022.
The 10-year plan recognises the valuable contribution that military families make and the unique challenges they face but acknowledges that they need more support.
It highlights negative feedback from the 2021 Families Continuous Attitude Survey, including that 51 per cent of partners do not feel valued by the services, 45 per cent find no benefit from being a service family, and 29 per cent admit they would be happier if their partner chose to leave.
Family disconnect
Former army spouse Sam Darlington says: “People say you know what you’re signing up for, but I don’t believe that’s true until you live it. They don’t understand the extent of the sacrifices. Sadly my marriage did not survive the lifestyle.”
Having sought help through coaching and counselling, Sam is now a coach herself. She feels that couples need more support prior to, and during deployments, R&R, and reintegration, as these transitions strain family dynamics: “Spouses want to be heard and have their feelings validated. I often see couples struggling with the disconnect between the soldier’s duties and home life.”
Career issues
One of the hardest things for Sam was losing her own career and identity which many spouses and partners can relate to, including AFF’s Head of Policy, Rachel Smith.
She says: “My work was seen very much as secondary to that of my serving husband, even though I had professional qualifications, and earned more than he did.”
Due to frequent moves Rachel took on a string of less well paid jobs to maintain her employment. Although her career suffered, she did find advantages to being employed locally: “I was able to make friends within the civilian community and maintain my own identity.”
More support
AFF will be taking findings and recommendations from the recent Employment Survey (see Barriers to employment) to all of its senior stakeholders. Rachel explains: “We will be able to highlight to them where spouses and partners could be supported more in being able to find meaningful employment in today’s need to have dual-income families.”
Donna Burns from the Military Coworking Network would like to see a coworking hub established on every military base in the UK and overseas.
She says: “These spaces offer much more than a place to work. They are a place to grow professional networks, make new friendships and build a strong community of like-minded people.
“They offer opportunities to share expertise, ideas and to learn new skills. Being able to strike the balance between home and work life and knowing that help is always on hand from their peers has had a hugely positive impact on members’ emotional wellbeing, making them feel better connected, more supported and less isolated.”
AFF advice
As well as employment and training, AFF’s team of specialists can offer advice and signposting to support families with issues including housing, health and money. Rachel Smith says: “Often they turn to us after trying many times to sort the problem out by themselves, and our unique position is that we can advocate effectively to get the problem resolved to their satisfaction.”
Foreign & Commonwealth Specialist Katherine Houlston, whose team provides immigration and visa advice, says: “The reason we get so many enquiries is because of how complicated everything is when it comes to immigration. There are so many forms to fill in and families can sometimes get themselves in a pickle when they try to resolve things themselves, but we are here to help.”
Devolved Nations Manager Emma Perrin says: “People assume when you are moving within the UK that everything works in the same way, however, each nation is slightly different, and that can have a massive impact for families.
“Education, childcare and healthcare are the most common themes that families need more information and assistance with. Our team has regular meetings with a variety of organisations and charities so no matter where you are in the world, we will either be able to assist or know who to refer you to.”
Work with welfare
If you’re struggling with something then unit welfare can often help and you don’t have to get your soldier to ask on your behalf.
Nicole Bridgman, Garrison Community Support Officer at Aldershot, says: “Any family member who is linked to a military family is able to call on their unit welfare team for support and advice so long as it is concerning the serving family. If we are unable to help then we will be able to signpost to an organisation that can.”
Families living off patch in private rental accommodation or their own homes can also get in touch. Welfare teams can help with everyday problems like housing repairs to more serious issues like domestic violence. They can refer on to Army Welfare Service (AWS) and will support families through the process if other agencies get involved.
Alison Joy from AWS says: “The needs of families change over time, particularly as children grow up and life changes. Having a range of sources of support to help is important for individual family members and for the family as a whole.”
Staff have experience working with families during challenging personal circumstances including domestic abuse, child and adult safeguarding, bereavement, relationship difficulties, and emotional wellbeing.
Moving to a new posting can be tricky for children who have left friends behind but Community Development Workers (CDWs) provide play sessions, youth clubs and holiday provision to help them to settle in.
Support is not restricted to the UK, with nine CDWs stationed overseas. In locations with no permanent AWS staff, like the British Army Training Unit in Kenya, volunteers step up to deliver youth activities from movie nights to day trips. AWS Community Support is currently developing workshops to give partners, parents and young people the knowledge and skills they need to bring people together.
Help overseas
If you are heading overseas you may be concerned about what would happen if you needed to get home quickly. Esther Thomas, AFF’s Overseas Manager, says many families assigned overseas aren’t aware of the support available when family members back in the UK or their home country become seriously ill.
She says: “Having personally been supported twice via the Joint Casualty and Compassionate Centre (JCCC) during both my mum and mother-in-law’s final days, I always try to reassure families that this support is wonderful when you are miles away.
“Having the support of JCCC to fund and co-ordinate travel within hours of a notification takes a huge amount of stress away and allows you to focus on family in what is an emotional time.” Read this article In case of emergency to find out more about JCCC.
Whatever you are going through, there is a strong chance that someone else in the army community has been through it before and will know where to find support or be able to provide comfort or solidarity.
It pays to network
Social media can help to connect people, such as the closed Facebook group run by the Army Parents’ Network. Chairman Ben Davey says: “Members support each other using experience and policy knowledge.
“The committee meets regularly to engage the chain of command on behalf of parents to help resolve issues.”
Choral connection
The Military Wives Choirs is a community of more than 2,000 women in 72 choirs around the world. Members meet to sing together but also to support each other.
Bella Godden, who joined a choir in Brussels, says: “They made me feel at home in a very alien place and the joy of singing has really given me a boost on days where I’m missing family. I only wish I had joined sooner during the darker days of military spouse life when you feel you are the only one holding the house together.”
Jo Wall, who sings in Cosford, is married to a veteran who was medically discharged and is also the mum of a serving soldier. She says: “My mum asks about her grandson and I have to explain that he is away, I don’t know what he’s doing and I am unsure about when he will be back.
“My friends at choir get it immediately. It’s not just listening and understanding, but also practical advice that I have had about benefits, mobility issues and accessing support.”
Sam Darlington recommends getting to know people to form friendships and create a support network. She says: “Military spouses are among the most resilient individuals I know and the community is incredibly supportive, like an extended family.
“We look after each other and each other’s children.”