Many army families face regular separation – which can pile added pressures on their relationships. For the partner at home, deployments can mean isolation and solo parenting, often while trying to maintain a job and dealing with the emotional impact on their children. Meanwhile, the serving person knows they’re missing out on family life and, for some, doing the job they signed up for comes with a sense of guilt. Army&You talked to three people about their experiences…
SETTING GROUND RULES
Gemma is a teacher and married to Eddie, who is serving with the Royal Logistic Corps.
They’ve been together 10 years – married for eight – and have a three-year-old son Harlan. Eddie left on a six-month deployment in the spring.
Gemma believes communication is key, as is managing expectations when the deployed person returns home, tired and looking forward to relaxing with their family, while the other parent is relieved their partner is back to lend a hand. “You always expect your husband to whisk up the children and take them off you,” she said.
And although it’s welcome, the end of a long period of separation means family life has to re-set itself once again. “Most of the time you just tick along and get in a good routine, then they come in with their bags of kit and disrupt that routine.”
During the early days of a deployment Harlan can be clingy and more emotional until the new routine is bedded in. Sometimes Gemma will call Eddie and ask him to help with parenting. That means Harlan gets a chat with his dad and Gemma has five minutes to breathe.
He also has a Huggable Hero of his dad. “This is so powerful,” she said. “When Daddy is away ‘Little Daddy’ is taken to bed every night. As soon as Daddy is home, Harlan puts the doll back in his basket, never prompted by me.” The family has been through several deployments and the effect on Harlan has been noticeable. “It has been interesting watching him change with his communication with Daddy.”
She explained Harlan used to refuse to look at his dad during video calls. These days he’ll take the phone from his mum and wander around chatting happily. “He enjoys the time he has with just Daddy on the phone.”
Sometimes the phone is propped up in the room so Eddie can be a part of what’s going on even if he isn’t there.
“The time difference, that’s another issue that’s really challenging. I would be going to bed and my husband would be ready to talk and I’d be shattered,” she said.
“You have to talk to them about these frustrations otherwise they become difficulties in your relationship.”
She believes it’s important to stay positive while her husband is away. They have lots of happy times and get on with life.
Having a network of support is important to lighten the load, but building those contacts on a patch a long way from family can be difficult, especially if you’re not a confident person. The size of the patch makes a difference. Larger bases can be harder to tap into, according to Gemma. But if you do manage to get involved in the social side “you never have to explain why you’re there and why your husband’s away – they know”.
In every location she has joined the local Military Wives Choir. Apart from enjoying a good sing she found it was a ready-made network of people who understood her.
Planning activities for weekends, maybe with family or friends, can also help.
HELP ISN’T ALWAYS THERE
Lorraine was thrown in at the deep end when she and her husband were given the keys to their first SFA the day he deployed.
It was a time of regular deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan. Back at home Lorraine had her own battles to fight.
The most recent was 2022. Her daughter needed an emotional learning support assistant at school. But although it received Service Pupil Premium, intended to support military children affected by mobility or deployment, staff didn’t fully understand what the money was for.
Lorraine said: “I had to tell the school to make them understand she was a priority.”
She advises parents to take advantage of events put on by unit welfare teams to help families during deployments.
And when the serving person can phone or FaceTime it’s advisable to have a few sensible rules like avoiding bedtimes and being conscious of what’s going on in the background that might upset the children.
“My biggest piece of advice is not to beat yourself up,” she said.
Some parents are lucky enough to be able to find support from others on the patch. But it isn’t always the case.
When Lorraine had to take one of her children to hospital she tried calling a dozen people to pick up the other one.
“Not one could come and help. Sometimes you just have to accept there is no ‘village’ and it’s going to be tough,” she said. “It’s about managing expectations. But if you can be that ‘village’ for someone else…”
Lorraine volunteers with her local Brownies and Rainbows and her son’s Scout group. She explained: “They’re civilians so they’re not going through deployment at the same time. It’s important to have a civilian network as well as a military one.
“Everybody talks about how tough military families are, but it’s OK to talk about the stress for the person left behind. It’s hard – and it’s harder with children.”
A SACRIFICE ON BOTH SIDES
Ed has been in the military for 12 years. He and his wife Si Si, a childminder, have two boys aged five and two. They don’t live on a patch and currently he travels between their home in England and his base in Scotland. At the end of the week at work he’ll head to his car to start the long drive home. He said: “My older son James sometimes stays awake until I get home and I’ll read to him and because I’m exhausted I’ll fall asleep.
“I miss a lot. I can’t get to sports days or parent-teacher evenings. I’m able to take him to karate at weekends but when I go away I miss everything.”
When Sunday comes and Ed starts the long drive back to base James sometimes cries so his mum will put him on the phone to his dad. “It’s tough on her and she gets the brunt of it from him because he’s upset.”
Ed feels guilty when he leaves for a deployment, recognising the burden his wife carries, especially when he can’t be contacted. “I worry that I’ve left her alone to do everything. Essentially she becomes a single mum.
“We’ve talked about moving to a patch, but every time we decide not to. I know they have a community, but for the limited time that it would allow me to see them every night she would be sacrificing access to her friends and our family at home.”
SOURCES OF SUPPORT
The Deployment Rollercoaster at forceschildrenscotland.org.uk follows a family through the ups and downs of deployment from planning to getting back to normal life afterwards.
Behaviours and feelings common during the different stages of deployment are detailed here: tinyurl.com/cycleofdeployment
Military children’s charity Little Troopers offers information, support for families, activities for children and resources for schools. Visit littletroopers.net for details.
Families can also find help and information at forcessocialwork.com/overseas